grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
