So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
