I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
