I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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