I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I currently don't understand fingers.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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