The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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