I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
