I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
