he wants to bone in the snuggie
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
