Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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