i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
