when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
