I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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