too bad you live with your parents still
Someone shit on the floor
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
