he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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