Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
