On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
