you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
