and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
