All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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