Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
