Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
