Apparently you make a good broom.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
