I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
