when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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