omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
