Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
wow bdsm is so cute
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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