Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
