his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
