Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
