break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
