Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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