i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just forgot I was standing up.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
