The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
