A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
