i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
