if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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