I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
