And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
