How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
