i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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