I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize