please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize