Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
