just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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