I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
