mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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