I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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