This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
