This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
