3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Someone shattered a urinal.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
