I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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