Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
