I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
