Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
