Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
