just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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