i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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