Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
