when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
