i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
