Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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