im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
