she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
