If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
