My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
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