My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
